Pee You! What's That Smell? Must Be Red Box-Movie-Review Day

It's Monday, so it must be Red Box Movie Review Day!

Rented a couple of nose-holding stinkers over the weekend.

I don't know which was the biggest waste, the $1.06 I spent renting each of them or the combined 5 hours lost watching these turkeys.

The more disappointing of this duo was Here After.

Why was it the more disappointing? Because Clint Eastwood directed it.

Generally I like his movies. I was amazed at how little plot this movie has and how poorly the characters are developed. Neither can be hung around Eastwood's neck, but, gee, didn't he bother reading the script? Can't he find a good movie to direct?

Then I remembered Eastwood's Million Dollar Baby. A half hour of escapism followed by 90 minutes of depressing crap. Visiting a funeral home would be more entertaining.

Matt Damon is also in Here After and usually his movies can be counted on to have at least a smidgen of action. That streak has hit a wall.

I'd recap the plot for you, but there wasn't one. I've got nothing here.

What I can tell you is that Damon plays a reluctant psychic who runs into some chick author who had a near-death experience and a kid whose twin died. He told the kid to take off his ball cap, and bought the chick's book and then took her on a date. There you have it: two hours of nothing.

The second weekend Red Box clunker was Triage.

Not near the disappointment of Here After basically because I wasn't expecting much to begin with.

It stars Colin Farrell as a photojournalist who covers wars. I don't mind watching Farrell; but he thinks because Marlon Brando was considered a great actor, all he needs to do to be the same is mumble a lot and scratch his cheek. Mumble, mumble, mumble, scratch, mumble, mumble, scratch, mumble. Like that.

Oh, and smoke a lot of cigarettes.

Here's the plot (yes, this movie actually had one): The entire movie takes place over a time frame of maybe two weeks, tops.

Farrell's character and his buddy are in Afghanistan, Kurdistan, Baluchistan or some such place, where Kurds are fighting with someone, taking photos of the action.

The buddy decides he's had enough danger and leaves to go home. Suddenly Farrell's character finds himself in a makeshift Kurd field hospital. He doesn't know how he got there. He returns home to his girlfriend.

His buddy's wife is preggers and she wants to know where her husband is. Ferrall's character is mystified that he still isn't back, but doesn't seem too upset about it.

Before the movie ends, Ferrall's character suddenly remembers his buddy was hit by mortar fire, and died in his arms less than two weeks earlier. Evidently you don't need the memory skills of a stage-3 Alzheimer's patient to be a photojournalist.

His buddy's wife has her baby. End of story. I doubt any of them lived happily ever after. Certainly the buddy didn't.

So that's this week's Red Box Movie wrap up.

I rent 'em so you don't have to.