Buffalo Trace

Buffalo Trace
From a few years ago, me mugging with the bronze buffalo sculpture at Buffalo Trace Distillery in Kentucky.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

My New Toro Mower: When More Expensive Doesn't Translate into Better

A representation of my old lawn mower.
I'm not the kind of guy who often suffers buyer's remorse. In the great scheme of things, I don't buy all that much to begin with. Since I can justify purchasing some must-have piece of video gear for one of my video projects (because, well, I've got myself convinced I can turn one or both of them into money makers) I don't lose much sleep over those purchases.

An exception was the nearly $50, I wound up spending to secure a $3 adapter plug to go from the back of my new four-station wireless-mic setup to the mic jack in my video cameras. In one of my recent disappointments with Amazon Prime's delivery service, they missed their two-day guaranteed delivery by a day, which meant a $31 package of two apparently platinum-plated, diamond-studded adapter plugs was delivered to my mailbox the day I left on a 10-day trip. While I was gone, vandals stole the mail out of the roadside mailboxes of half a dozen houses along my street, mine being one of them. I got back on Amazon two more times, ordering much less expensive versions of the pilfered plugs only to discover both times that they didn't fit. My total outlay at that point was roughly $45. I finally found the only Radio Shack still in business within 50 miles of my house about 20 miles away. An hour of my time, a couple gallons of gas and $3.48 in cash, and I finally had the part I needed.

I'm still fuming over the entire affair.

I also can justify purchasing tools. I do a lot of renovating around my house. I learned long ago that any job can be made easier with the proper tool. I'm all over easy. Nail guns, table saw and all the other power tools one might need for a job never fall under the want-or-really-need purchase test.

When I do buy something – almost always online – I do a lot of price research (my $31 dumb-ass adapter-plug purchase notwithstanding). I look on Amazon. I look on ebay, as well as other sites. I usually know what I'm buying and that I'm getting a good deal. End result: I'm happy with my choice.

That is, until now.

A couple of weeks ago, unforeseen circumstances forced me to buy my second lawn mower in three years. Quite happy with the Toro with its Kohler engine and front-wheel drive, self-propelled feature that I bought at Home Depot three years ago, when faced with replacing it, I decided to step up a little. I bought another Toro, but this one has a Briggs & Stratton engine, electric start and rear-wheel drive for “better traction on hilly surfaces.” I now live in lawn mower hell.

The electric start is terrific, by the way. Well worth the extra $40. The issue is that before using it the first time, it needs to be charged for 24 hours. I have nowhere outside that I can leave anything other than an automobile or anvil unattended for 24 hours. So, I rolled it into my dining room and charged it there. I'll charge it every three or four uses in my carport going forward.

The electric starter and a fuel cap that is much easier to seat and screw back on than the one on the Kohler engine are the only two bright spots on my new mower.

There are a couple of issues with the new mower, but all roads lead to its rear-wheel-drive configuration. Whether RWD is the problem or it just that this mower's RWD is so crappy, in no way shape or form is it easier to use on hilly surfaces than my previous FWD mowers. It's not just a bit less efficient, it just plain sucks. I don't exaggerate when I write that I probably work twice as hard with this RWD mower than either of the two FWD mowers I've owned since living at my current address.
My new $400 death machine.

The only semi-flat spot on my two-thirds of an acre is where my shed sits. It represents perhaps 10 percent of my yard. All the rest is hill. That means that over the course of 45 percent of my lot (uphill versus downhill), I have to put forth a lot more effort now than before. I was able to mow the entire yard in about 90 minutes without stopping. It now requires about two hours or more because I have to stop, shut off the mower and rest half a dozen times. It goes like a bat out of hell mowing down hill, but who needs that? I have to physically push it going up hill and sprint along behind it going down.

Not only that, my back is killing me within the first 15 minutes. The handle is positioned so low, I literally must slightly bend at the waist to use this thing. It has an “adjustable” handle, but an airline seat has a greater range of recline than this handle has adjustment. I'm only 5 ft-8 in tall! I can't imagine someone 6 ft or taller using this mower without having a chiropractor on hand.

I've named this piece of shit, The Widow Maker.

I envision the day when, unable to reach me for a week or so, one of my friends decides to stop by my house to check up on me only to find me lying in the dirt that is my front yard with my decomposing hand still gripping the handle of old Widow Maker lying on its side next to me. My house will have been ransacked, my shed emptied and whatever test vehicle I had will be long gone. But that damn mower will still be there, taunting me.

I laughed, I cried, I kissed 400 bucks good-by.

Watch for it on Craig's List next April.

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