Buffalo Trace

Buffalo Trace
From a few years ago, me mugging with the bronze buffalo sculpture at Buffalo Trace Distillery in Kentucky.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Pampering the Uber Wealthy One Poop at a Time

Thank, God! Finally a toilet for the well heeled.

I can't begin to tell you how many sleepless nights I've clocked worrying over the sorry state of affairs that Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, the entire Walton clan and the rest of the uber rich must pee into commodes not much different than mine. What's the point of being uber rich?

Next you are going to tell me they have to wipe with rolled tissue. Oh the humanity!

Looks like my sleepless nights are over, though. I read that Kohler has just introduced the Numi. It's a $6,390 poop collector that is smarter than your 12-year old.

If you go to Kohler's Numi Web site, you will see photos of a hip, young, wealthy couple smiling at one another in what appears to be a penthouse living room with this toilet smack-dab in the middle of it. Of course, the walls are all glass. I guess if you blow $6,000 plus on a crapper, you want to make sure your invited guests see it.

What features could it possibly have to inspire the super rich to plunk down more than six large to plop their self-indulgent behinds onto it? Here are a few of the more notable ones:

  • Because it is tankless, it eliminates the any need for handle shaking to stop the water from running. In fact there is no handle.
  • It ends the great battle of the sexes over a toilet seat left up. It has a sensor that determines if the caveman, er, male has finished his business and automatically lowers the seat. (No doubt the divorce-attorney lobby is already attempting to get this feature eliminated.)
  • A bidet that can be customized for its user to adjust water temperature, force and angle of the stream. I'm sure Duracell sales are going to plummet on Palm Beach and in Beverly Hills.
  • A seat warmer will prevent those 3-AM shocks during the winter.
  • A foot warmer: Why should your piggies be cold when your ass is toasty?
  • A remote control to operate all of this stuff.

Now more than ever, I wish I was rich. They say money can't make you happy; but apparently, it can make every bowel movement much more enjoyable; and, if Kohler's marketing department is correct, something you want to accomplish in front of an audience.

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