Preparing to shoot a few segments of Big Jon in 5 for BEER2WHISKEY in our upstairs studio at Barley's Taproom in downtown Greenville. That's owner Josh Beebe preparing for his closeup.

Friday, May 4, 2012

How to Blow $45: Scotts Turf Builder Exhibits No Weed-Killing Properties

I promised a follow up on the never ending adventure that is my yard.

I have a call into NASA offering my front yard as an astronaut moon-walking-training facility in the event the government ever decides to return to space.

In the meantime, I would happily help out fulfilling our president's number one mandate for NASA by teaching their course in making Muslims feel good about all their contributions to science. I doubt that would put too big a strain on my time management skills.

"Today's lesson will be….ummm….let's see…ummm…ah…ummm…who wants ice cream?"

Does suicide-bomb making count as science?

"Hi, I'm your suicide-bomb-making instructor. Please pay close attention; I can only show you this once!"

But back to my yard…

My goal this dirt-mowing season is to eradicate my yard of any and all weeds. As I wrote here a couple of weeks ago: Sans weeds, my yard would only require mowing every three or four weeks.

My initial attempt involved spreading Scotts Turf Builder with Plus 2 Weed Control.

According to Scotts official Web site, this miracle substance has been engineered to kill "dandelions and other major lawn weeds." It's the first thing listed in the product description.

I followed the instructions on the bag to a T. I hauled my ashes up to my buddy Jeff's house to borrow his Scotts-brand spreader. I wheeled the spreader out after a morning rain because the instructions told me to apply this mixture of who-knows-what on a wet lawn.

I set the rate of distribution to exactly the setting recommended on the bag.

I had checked the forecast and no rain was predicted for the next week. Again, the instructions on the bag said for best results, rain shouldn't fall on the lawn for at least two days after application.

Following all the instructions, I thought, there was no way my efforts wouldn't pay off.

That might be true if this sack of placebo had any real weed killing properties.

By my best estimate, this crap didn't kill one dandelion. Nope, nary a one. It didn't injure, wound, or maim any either. From what I can determine, it didn't make one even a little bit woozy.

I might as well have sprinkled pixie dust around.

Can you say, 45 bucks down the old rat hole?

I still have half a bag left, but won't waste my time applying it again. It took about 90 minutes the last time, and involved pushing the spreader up hill for half the passes.

Not going to do that again.

Next attempt will be spraying liquid weed killer -- not Scotts, if there is such a thing. I'll keep you posted.

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