In an effort to get back to my
small-town roots – I'm a product of Harborcreek, PA, after all –
I made a trek to Kewanee, Illinois for a long weekend. Well, it
wasn't so awfully long for me, but I suspect my host was mightily
relieved when it was over. I arrived late on a Thursday afternoon and
headed for the airport mid-morning on Monday. She didn't exactly push
my car away from the curb, but neither was she standing on her front
porch teary eyed waving her hankie good-bye. I'm an acquired taste.
The final tally: I was 2 pounds
heavier, a couple of cases of beer less thirsty and the cost of three
microbrewery t-shirts poorer. All in all I'd call it a successful
outing.
If Kewanee sounds familiar to you, you
have a pretty good shot at winning some money on Jeopardy.
“I'll take Small Towns No One Has
Ever Heard Of for $500, Alex.”
“Kewanee.”
(A hesitant ding) “Ummm...What is the
hog capital of the world?”
“You are correct.”
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Yes, the red dot markes Kewanee. |
Yes, that's right; it's the hog capital
of the world. Having said that, I drove around the region for four
days and never saw my first oinker. The closest I came was a rack
with bags of pork rinds at Menards. Incidentally, if you are
unfamiliar with Menards, think of it as the love child of an Ace
Hardware Store and a Krogers. There's fresh rhubarb over here and
2-by-4s over there. I did, however, see a lot of corn...a hell of a
lot of it. Granted, Nebraska or perhaps Iowa seems to have bragging
rights as the corn capital of the world, but western Illinois could
present a solid argument in a court of law.
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Joni and I dazzling the crowd as we danced at my friends Steve and Connie's wedding in Greenville a few years ago. |
Ostensibly I was there to accompany my
buddy Joni –born and raised in Kewanee – to a wedding. She did
the same for me in Greenville four or five years ago. I was supposed
to go there over Labor Day weekend for Hog Days. It's the town's big
annual reunion/festival/beer drinking contest. I've been promising to
go for years and this was to be the year. Sadly, by the time I had a
car worked out in Chicago, the flights were way too expensive. So,
the wedding a couple of weeks later was plan B.
I flew into Chicago from Greenville by
way of Atlanta and then Cincinnati. If someone else had booked this
flight, I would have reamed them a new one. But, nope, it was little
old me who did it. I spent hours hanging out in airports.
Joni had tried to convince me to fly
into Moline or Peoria where she would come get me, but I shrugged off
the advice. After years of not paying any attention to anything she
said, why start now? Boy, did I have egg on my face. The moral of the
story: Don't fly into Chicago if Chicago isn't your final
destination. I'll never do it again.
Nissan was kind enough to furnish me
with one of its Rogues for the adventure. The vendor that moves cars
around the Midwest for Nissan, drops cars off and picks them back up
through the valet stand at the O'Hare Hilton that's attached to the
airport. It cost $20 to retrieve the Nissan from the valet. This was
just a fraction of the $52 it would have cost had the vendor not had
a special arrangement with Hilton. Actually getting the car was a
pretty simple process, but escaping the crazy spaghetti of ramps,
streets and roads that snake around the airport was more adventure
than I was interested in.
Fast and furiously barking out
commands, the GPS could barely keep up with the exits. What seemed
like every 50 feet or so was another toll booth and traffic slowed to
a crawl. What a circus. Once free of the airport mess and the really
heavy snarls of traffic, things went more smoothly.
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Mmmmm...Cabo... |
Arriving in Kewanee around 5:30, I
whipped up a batch of margaritas for the two of us and another couple
of friends we were scheduled to have dinner with. After my drive, I
was ready to chug the bottle of Cabo Silver.
My first of three trips to Kewanee's
landmark eatery and bar Cerno's during my stay was for dinner that
night. It's sort of Kewanee's partying hub. A wonderful selection of
draft beers and a decent menu no doubt keeps folks coming back. It
has one of only five bars that Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer had built and
installed in drinking establishments around the country. I was
impressed.
Friday, Joni drove me to the Quad
Cities that straddle the Illinois/Iowa border. Comprised of Moline
and Rock Island in Illinois, Davenport, Iowa and some other little
towns that no one seems to be able to agree on, the Quad Cities has
five or six microbreweries. I was in hog heaven, so to speak.
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Joni and I at the Bent River Brewery. |
We managed to hit four of the area's
breweries. I was really impressed with a couple of them: Bent River
in Moline and Great River in Davenport. I sampled a couple of really
good beers in each. I was particularly smitten by Bent River's
Uncommon Stout. We discovered later that Uncommon Stout is the area's
best selling beer behind Bud Light.
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The marketing folks at Bent River are doing a bang-up job of moving this beer. It's in many restaurants and grocery stores. |
I'm not making this up.
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The usual suspects back at Cerno's: Joni, me, Lynn and Jerome Baker. |
Friday night we were back in Cerno's
for round 2.
Saturday was the big wedding. Joni
offered to let me off the hook by dropping me off at a bar during the
ceremony and then retrieving me post wedding. I didn't think that was
very good form. What, I can't sit through a 20-minute ceremony? I
didn't want to look any more like an S.O.B. than I knew I probably
would by the time the reception was over. I've seen me at wedding
receptions. Historically, it's not pretty.
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Some of the hardcore wedding gang fortifying themselves at Pioneer between the ceremony and reception. |
Nope, I insisted on participating in
the whole enchilada. I figured if the wedding couple was going to
pony up the cash for me to eat and drink at the reception, the least
I could do is suffer through the I do's.
Apparently I held the minority opinion
on that.
At least twice as many people were at
the reception as were at the wedding. I was astounded. It wasn't a
fancy affair, but it was nice. Kewanee is a little short on party
halls. I'm not sure exactly where we were. It was some sort of
society's meeting hall. All I remember is the name of the society is
close to “Fetish.” I can't imagine that's accurate, though.
As the evening wore on, more and more
people seemed to wander in off the street. Whether they were invited
guests who just got off work or crashers looking for a free beer is a
mystery to me. There were guys in sleeveless shirts and John Deere
caps strolling around with their cups of beer. At one point, there
must have been 25 or 30 little kids running around. There were maybe
a dozen at the ceremony. My theory is that people were just dropping
off their kids and sending them inside. “Go play with your friends.
Mommy and Daddy will be back in two hours to get you. Don't eat too
much cake!”
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Don't ask me; I don't know what the hell is going on here. |
Once the parents all returned and
picked up their kids, the DJ finally came to life and the place got
rocking. I have to be fairly loaded to dance. I was on the dance floor for
for 90 minutes or so. I'm sure there's a YouTube video out there
somewhere. It was quite the party.
Sunday was basically a recovery day.
After my $4 breakfast at the golf course – I'm not lying; four
bucks for two eggs, four strips of bacon, a mound of hash browns and
two slices of toast – we basically lounged around watching movies
and football.
For dinner we headed to Princeton for
meat. The Prime Quarter is a four-store chain of steak houses. The
hook is you grill your own steak. It's a nice joint with a no-frills
menu. You choose your steak from the cooler – they are all the same
price – grill it yourself, toss some slices of Texas toast on the
grill, serve yourself in the salad/baked potato bar and there ya go.
A server brings whatever your having from the bar and you're good to
go.
I'm not sure when I might return to
Kewanee. I still owe Joni a “Hog Days” trip. But it was a fun,
relaxing, low-pressure outing.
But where are the damn pigs?